Saturday, January 21, 2006

Beauty Tips from Construction Guys

Friday, I had an offer to have my face “resurfaced”. Ordinarily, I would be hiding under my bed clutching my pillow and mumbling “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home…” However, no one wanted to meet me in the parking lot after school, the offer was delivered by my mail carrier and sent "For my personal enjoyment" from a beauty company. They said, and I quote:

“Discover a complete resurfacing treatment for your skin … effective after just 20 minutes!”

Immediately, pictures of burly construction guys in big trucks came to mind. Will they take my face down to the bone, back fill with gravel and top it with a nice layer of tar? Sounds like a relaxing afternoon. If they could do all this to my face in just twenty minutes imagine what they could do for our roads! The whole country could have a driving facelift in a matter of weeks!

But WAIT! It gets better!

I read to the end of the statement … blah, blah, blah, “signs of aging”… blah, blah, blah, “retexturizing the skin’s microsurface”… blah, blah, blah, “exfoliate”, blah …. and then the moment I have been waiting for all my life… “Lift away the years. Uncover the beauty that lies beneath!” All of a sudden this product sounded great! People in boats have expired on the shores of the new world looking for this promise and here it was, just a phone call away. The fountain of youth … time machine style.

Could I pick the year I wanted to go back to? It would be hard to choose. I had some pretty nice moments in my twenties. My teens were fun but involved a fair bit of acne and a lot of discomfort. However, life as a five year old was pretty sweet. I played all day and most of my skin treatments had to do with pine trees, dirt and a wet face cloth. I have actual photographic evidence that, while my mother dressed me nicely, I did not care a lick for the state of my hair, or clothes, or, my mom knows, my leggings. Just ask to see my grade one photograph.

Yes, operator, give me age five. Oh, and while your at it … do the driveway, too.

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