Thursday, January 19, 2006

Make Self Smartness

I'm not so bright on your average morning. I have been known to walk into walls, pour orange juice in my cereal, and even call Canada Revenue and ask to pay taxes. However, my brain is now in crisis. I have discovered that with each pregnancy I know less and less.

"At what age did you start feeding your two year old cereal?" a new mom asks.

"I don't know", I reply.

"Is the laundry in the machine clean or dirty?" says my husband from the laundry room .

"Do you live here?" I question grogily.

"Why are you calling us again?" asks the Canada Revenue agent.

"Sorry, I must have you on speed dial."

How could I have forgotten so much, without a serious blow to the head? Thankfully there is now proof that I am not alone. Scientists have done a study involving pregnant rats that clearly shows the rat's brain cells decrease with each litter produced. Where do the brain cells go? Perhaps they are donated to our offspring, which would explain how they know which button to push on the DVD player while I can only stare cluelessly ahead. The good news? Rats who have produced more than two litters get to keep what ever brain cells they have left. Reassuring.

I have decided to combat this deadly condition. How, you may ask? By using what I have left to cleverly disguise what is missing. I'm going to learn Ancient Greek. Difficult you say? Nonsense. Just listen to my well thought out plan. Ancient Greek is a dead language. This is good for the following reasons:

  1. Only the dead speak it. No one will know if I'm pronouncing it correctly or least they won't know for sure.
  2. The only people who know Ancient Greek are safely tucked away in small windowless rooms at remote universities. This is for the safety of all mankind as we all know that the pen is mightier than the sword and these guys have a lot of pens.
  3. Much of the English language has it roots in Ancient Greek. That means that I already know many Ancient Greek words and have only to discover that I do. Take 'kaka' for instance. I have used that word many times while changing diapers such as, "You've got a bit of 'kaka' in your pants." Surprisingly this word, which means bad or evil, has survived in its entirety from antiquity until today. Don't I sound smart? It also means by simply watering my head in the shower every morning those Ancient Greek roots will grow.
This is my clever plan. I know it will work because I saw a televangelist quoting some Ancient Greek, wrongly I may add, just the other day. Everyone was impressed and not a soul questioned him. If it worked so well for him it will definitely floor those cashiers at the supermarket. And Canada Revenue. How do I know? I consulted a rat.

P.S. If you wish to join me in my campain check out the link

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