Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Survival Tips for Cave Dwelling

I am stuck in a cave, a panther is at the door, and all I have is a stick, a rope, and some red dye...  This could describe our last family vacation where we narrowly escaped a tornado, but the reality is this dilemma is self inflicted...a video game. I consider myself a reasonable problem solver, after all who managed to resolve the bouncy ball crisis of 2004? But a stick, some rope and red dye?
Here are some of the creative solutions I’ve come up with:
  1.      Toss the stick at the panther, hope it distracts him, use the rope to swing to safety, save the red dye for a victory party

  2.      Tie the rope to a stalagmite, wedge the stick in the ceiling, sit on it, use the red dye for decorating my new home

  3.      use the red dye to write a message on the wall, rope and stick to make a sculpture symbolising the futility of man, hope teenagers will discover me and appreciate my artistic angst

  4.      wrap rope around my body, paint with red dye, hold stick above my head and hope I pass for a walking tomato

  5.      Tie rope to stick to make a plumb line, use red dye to mark out how level the cave is so I can achieve symbolic balance in my life before I die

  6.      Cover myself in red dye, place stick so that it looks like I’ve been stabbed, use rope to make a police line and hope the panther is not a scavenger.

  7.      Break stick in half, make fire, use rope for fuel, hope panther gets the idea and jumps on the fire for dinner, use red dye to decorate panther skin for my new coat

So, as you can see I am not too good at video games. After this is published the line of kindergarteners waiting to beat me will wrap around the block. Actually, I’m worse at car racing, if that’s at all possible. Most of the race consists of me weaving from one ditch to another. But I’m a pretty mean dancer, which incidentally counts as exercise. (See http://thehomefiles.blogspot.com/2006/01/baby-butt-weight-loss-plan.html for details on my weight loss plans.)  So come on kindergarteners I’ll challenge you to a dance off. We all know your feet can’t reach the pads.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Funny...but not what I'm looking for. Lol.