More terrifying than the hairs on your second grade teacher’s chin, more death defying than bungee jumping with a rope tied by your brother, more mentally challenging than the math test you took in grade nine, I give you … the Parenting Olympics!
Sleep Deprivation Slalom: Athletes must navigate a predetermined course with only three hours sleep. Points will be given for artistic merit and style, with a focus on air speed, height and difficulty of jump, five point landings and creative language. Points deducted for breakages.
Breakfast Relay: Athletes must correctly pour items into the appropriate containers. The athlete must be so sleep deprived that a mole in the sunlight could see better: coffee mugs must contain coffee, cereal bowls must contain cereal, and children’s lunch bags must be filled with nutritious, loving lunches … not orange juice, baby formula or Rover’s puppy chow.
School Sprint and Time Trials: Athlete must prepare a kindergartener to catch the school bus. Kindergartner must have just consumed 3 pounds of chocolate and decided she doesn’t want to go to school.
Sardines in a Van
Working in highly trained teams of two, this multidisciplinary sport involves both time and skill components. Each leg is timed and marked for accuracy.
Category 6 and under:
- Each team must herd a group of no less than four children to the front door, including at least one infant. Athletes may not use sheep dogs or tazers or be heavily sedated. If they do not have four children of their own they are invited into the “Insanity Birthday Party” category.
- All children must be clothed in items with a 2lb per square cubic inch ratio. Clothing may include hats, scarves, and/or snow pants and must have at least five closing skills per item.
- Each child must insist on carrying one item that will not fit in diaper bag.
- The child wearing snow pants must be potty trained.
- Child #1 must be tired, Child #2 must be hopped up on sugar that he licked off the breakfast table and Child #3 must only respond to all commands with “NO!” The fourth child will be any combination of the above.
Team must race to van and buckle in each child securely. Points deducted for any children left by the house, in a snow bank or on top of the van.
Team must race to destination with the least commotion. Points deducted for screaming (parent or child), or driving off the road. Points added for the following skills: Juice reach, blankie toss, soother catapult, and tissue wipe. Bonus Points will be awarded for completely new verses to “Down by the Bay” involving imaginary animals, or any healthy food ingested by the children during car ride.
For the final leg all team members must unbuckle and exit vehicle. Loss of children will lead to disqualification. Selling of children to strangers will lead to disqualification. Any dropped items will result in deduction of points. Points will be added for the number of children you can carry at once and for anyone exhibiting a pulse of 140 or lower. Unless, of course, you’re dead.
Category Ages 13-18:
Sardines in a Van: Time and Skill Relay
One teenage child, two parents. Points will be awarded to any parent who can get the child out of the bathroom by the time the event is over. Good luck.