Safety First

I don’t know what is wrong with my body but it appears to be magnetically attracted to furniture. Those of you who are adept at science are right now saying, “Come on, lady, most furniture is made out of wood” Well, my body is made out of flesh but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Magnetic, I tell you. My husband will attest, he has seen the bruises. He, in fact, was the one who suggested we should put fluffy slippers on all our furniture legs … especially on those crazy rollers under the bed. I think it would look silly. After all, most of the furniture we own would look great in penny loafers.

However, I am considering taking a cue off my children in order to keep my body from disintegrating before I’m 40. With a few simple safety precautions my house will be much more livable. For instance:

Wrapping the pointy ends of all furniture in layers of foam and duck tape. Make sure to mark said duct tape with florescent stickers so that I will not walk into them in the dark.

Wearing a helmet at all times, including, and especially, in the shower. After all, one can never be too safe around that much water.

Slide into my kitchen chair from the top and strap myself in. If I can manage it, buy a snap on table tray to sit in front of me. This way I won’t be able to wack my knees against the table or the chair beside me. It may cause some problems when my kids need more milk, but hey, they have to grow up sometime.

Wear shin guards over my pants. Look into making them more “fashionable” with some crazy fabrics.

Wrap myself in toilet paper so I can simply bounce off any offending object.

Crawl.

These and many other possibilities are being carefully considered to aid me in my daily life. Please, if you have any more suggestions, pass them on, but don’t be surprised if I can’t get back right away. My elbow is magnetically sealed to the coffee table.