Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Total Body and Skin Care Regimen

We all know that baby’s skin is soft and line free beyond compare. Who wouldn’t want to be young, beautiful and firm again? I have a new foolproof integrated program that combines beauty, health and exercise for a new total you. This regimen, based on the careful observance of babies, is sure to give new vitality and spark to your skin using techniques that are simple to master.

  1. To begin your morning thrash your legs swiftly yet firmly down onto the bed several times. To complete this exercise correctly raise your legs in the air until they touch your ears, arch your back and throw your legs down onto the mattress. Finish with a squeal.
  2. Prepare your morning cereal, cream of wheat or oatmeal is highly recommended. Smear half the contents of the bowl on your face and leave to sit until crusty. Eat remaining contents with your fingers. Remove with a soft damp cloth. This is a fast way to combine beauty and weight loss programs for those busy mornings. Your skin will be radiant and smooth and your will instantly loose weight.
  3. Go to bed.
  4. After a refreshing nap, crawl around on the floor. Eat whatever you find there, especially lint and small stickers, these aid in digestion and give your skin that special glow.
  5. Stand on top of the tallest object you can find, gently stretch your arms to your side as far as you can until you are standing on your tip toes. Repeat as often as possible. This exercise will not only tone those flabby thighs but will also cause your loved ones to love you more … or at least put you under twenty four hour surveillance.
  6. When your dinner is late, cry inconsolably. Throw both hands into the air and scrub your eyes vigorously with both hands. If the meal takes longer than five minutes to arrive escalate into a full bodied scream, clutch and release your fists, scrunch up your face. Think of this as a workout the whole family can enjoy. They will be on their toes, running back and forth and loosing weight. You will keep all the muscles in your face happy and healthy. Win/Win.
  7. Drink four large glasses of milk making sure to dribble a small amount down your chin and onto the front of your shirt. This moisturizes the tender skin under your mouth and gives a “youthful look” to your everyday wear.

Follow this routine daily for best results. You will enjoy all the pleasures of youth with my new program. Be sure to send in for the follow up “Life Skills Makeover and Recovery” for the low, low price of only $500 (which can be broken down into bi-monthly payments of $11.95, amortized over the next 25 years.) It also includes a nice designer hand bag and wheelchair seat cover. You’ll need it.


(This study was tested on four children and is deemed to be right at least two out of four times. Unless the moon was full and they were cranky.)

3 comments:

Gillie said...

So true, but failing in only one respect ... the limitation that indicates that only babies and toddlers use this beauty regime. I can with proven evidence based studies on adults and children, conclude that the same methodoldogy is used by male adults and by young females up until at least the age of 10 (and I am given to suggest that, at least in the case of the female of the species, such behaviour continues until the female with the upper hand (aka The Mother) gives the boot the to the Junior Female and indicates that they find alternative accomodation or live by rules of Female with the Upper Hand :) )

Cara said...

True, True. I stand corrected follow scientist. I had no idea these methods were so widely used by the general population. Perhaps you should forward your study and together we may forge a new future ... (maniacal evil laughter)

Anonymous said...

Do you know are there any special baby winter skin care products?