Friday, May 05, 2006

The Battle Cry Rings Out! Down With Barney!

Nothing makes you go out of your mind faster than a couple of hours listening to Barney. Nothing. Torturers should seriously look into it as an alternate to their regular routine. It might brighten their day. Take the blah out of the ordinary. However for the average parent it is an uneasy toss up between deliriously happy children with freaky parents or screaming so loud it manages to drive out “I love you, you love me, we’re one happy family” that was formerly etched on your frontal lobe, … Out of desperation we have found a few songs that we can stand to listen to. My husband made a cd for the car so we could survive our long trips without listening to 8 straight hours of Barney, punctuated by short bursts of Winnie the Pooh. Oh, we like Winnie, don't get me wrong, but 8 hours is 8 hours! Here are some of our songs:

Video Killed the Radio Star (the kids love the Awa Awas)
Mickey (as in “Oh Mickey you're so fine”)
Venus (Bananarama)
Everybody walk your Dinosaur (Was Not Was)
Who needs sleep (this is my anthem! from the Barenaked Ladies)
Walk like an Egyptian
Final Countdown (Europe)
A number of classical songs from both of the Disney Fantasia series

That’s our survival kit. True these are not the only weapons in our arsenal. The others fall into these delightful categories:

Snacks with Sugar
Snacks with Sugar we pulled over to get
Things the nice lady at the drive thru gave us
Toys they like to throw
Books they won’t read or colour in
And the coveted DVD player we bought last year

Right now you may be thinking: “Wait, if they are having so much trouble keeping everyone happy why don’t they just play the DVD all the time?” Ah, my friend, if only it were so simple! You see, the children are smart and very cunning. They work in groups. They have secret meetings. Manuals you can’t read. Messages from aliens giving them superior advantages. If you do not have your game plan down they will catch you and have you at their mercy. With this in mind the DVD’s have to be rationed out or the whining is unbearable, then it’s every parent for themselves. Beware! Beware! I don’t believe most conspiracy theories but this one must be true: watch your children, they are waiting to take over, and then Barney will rule the world!

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