The Queen of the Socks

Ah, yes! If socks were dollars, I would be wading in cash. Instead, I am knee deep in multi-coloured tootsie tubes. I’m afraid to emerge ... I know there is more, hiding, upstairs.

Little pixie socks for the toddler set,
action socks for the crime fighter,
princess socks, serious socks,
and glamourous socks for me.
You know the ones I’m talking about.
Cotton, with a delicate band of colour at the ankle?
Yes, glamour is my middle name.

I admit it. The laundry has slowly snuck up on me. Last week, while I was putting away the ‘last’ of the folded laundry I glanced at the basket in my kids room and considered putting a load on.

“No,” I thought, “not today. Today I’m taking a break from laundry.” and ‘poof’ the laundry pile multiplied, like happy bunnies on a beautiful spring day.

Now, my pile of laundry is so high that I predict I will be at the washing machine for the next twenty years. If you happen to be available for any one of my children’s graduations please let me know, if I have time I’ll send you my seat. Or perhaps I could send a clean sock to sit in my chair ... by then it should be technologically advanced enough to take pictures.

I have a dream. It’s a simple dream. Each member of the family would own two sets of stylish yet inexpensive clothes. At the end of each day they would fold the clothes lovingly and place them on a modern display shelf, next to one of those space age egg chairs. And a star burst clock. Oh, and a painting by Miro. On Wednesdays the whole family would line up with clothing set number one. They would place it in the laundry. There would be no need for baskets or separating, I would just turn the machine on and watch it go. Ah, bliss.

Now there are some of you out there who are saying, “This is crazy! Her scheme would never work.”

Ah, my gentle readers, how short sighted. A pipe dream? I think not. I having been testing my theory for a few weeks now. The girls have worn the same outfit for several days, just so I can tell them apart. All that remains is to weed out everyone else’s wardrobe. Now, if I can only figure out how to get my son to part with his Batman lounge suit.

For now, though, I think I will crouch down in the pile and get started. Perhaps I’ll place some underwear on my head as a tiara, wave my bottle of Tide and announce in my most regal voice, “the washer is free! Send in the socks!”

Sunday Intellectual Discussion: Just War

For Canadians the last few weeks have shown an escalation in the number of our soldiers who have been killed or injured in Iraq. It seems that a "safe" operation that few considered to truely be ours is now thrusting itself into our corporate consciousness. Questions about war and peace and how go about both are all around us, so it seems only right to ask a few questions of my own.

Is there ever a good, honorable reason to go to war? Where do you begin to draw the line? In defense of human rights? To curtail a possible threat? To gain more land etc? In final defense of your country? Or never?

Martin Luther wrote a few interesting words on wether or not there could ever be a just war ... and on the responsibilities soldiers carry in a war ... let's chat, what do you think?

Talk Like A Pirate Day - September 19

Talk Like A Pirate Day - September 19
Alright, this has to be my final Pirate instalment:
Here's their web site, it even has some stuff for kids! Have fun!

YouTube - Talk LIke a Pirate Day: "Slappy's Random Phrases"

YouTube - Talk LIke a Pirate Day: "Slappy's Random Phrases"

Here's some random Pirate Phrases to get you started. Just think how well this would work at the grocery store!

YouTube - Talk Like a Pirate Day: Phone Etiquette

YouTube - Talk Like a Pirate Day: Phone Etiquette

Ok, found another one. Kim you'd appreciate this a lot ... you may even consider answering all your messages this way!

YouTube - Talk Like a Pirate Day: "I'm a Pirate" song

YouTube - Talk Like a Pirate Day: "I'm a Pirate" song

I found these guys while wandering around the net, it's very silly and worth a moment ... especially if your kids are really into pirates, like mine. This video is a pirate "kiddie song" and even features a pint sized cabin boy.

Pocket hairdressing

As you have heard in my previous story: Perfect Hair Dreams I dream of different hair. Not wavy, not brown, not constantly sticking up at the side while it falls flat as a rodent road kill at the back, but long, curly, flowing, glistening tresses in a ravishing shade of red. Or blonde, I’m not picky.

However, a funny thing happened as I was drifting off to sleep last night, I realized that different hair may not be the answer I’m looking for. Sure, if I woke up the next morning with the glorious hair of my dreams, I would, for a few moments be deliriously happy tossing my head back and forth in front of the mirror and yelling “Would you look at my hair!” so that even astronauts on their lunch break at the Space Station would marvel, but after that brief moment I would probably gaze in disbelief at the tangled mess I had just made and realise that I had made a terrible mistake. I may be blonder, curlier and flowing out the door but I would still have no idea what to do with it. Sadly, the brush is but a mallet in my hands.

So, I’ve revised my previous wish (take note fairy Godmother) I wish to have a permanent hairdresser. One who will be with me each morning to attend my terrible tresses and who would preferably fit in a drawer. This pocket sized magician of the hair would pop out each morning,


“Now let’s see Darling, um hum, um hum, yes we can do something with it. I think a little brushed at the front and up at the back. Very n-ice. Maybe some curls. What you think?”
“Thanks so much,” I’d say, “I never would have pinned it up that way.”
“It’s nothing honey, to me you’re like Cher at a ball. Now go have fun.”


And I’d put him right back in the drawer for later until the next time I...


“Hey! I can hear you out there! Are you putting that cream on your hair like I told you.”

“Um ... yes?”
“You know your hair will be flat tomorrow and completely unworkable. It won’t be my fault if you are a ‘poofed’ souffle.”
“Ok, ok I’m putting it on.”
“And you’ll wait twenty minutes before rinsing?”
“Sure.”
“Twenty actual minutes.”
“Come on, I’ve got to go to bed.”
“Twenty, twenty, twentytwentytwenty...”
“Ugh! Yes, yes.”
“Promise?”
“I swear.”
“Good. See you tomorrow, honey!”

On second thought: A silent, pocket hairdresser.

Sunday Intellectual Discussion: Best Food Memory

Well, another week has gone by … sometimes it is so difficult to get to a computer! Thanks to all of you who have weighed in recently on the various topics I have so enjoyed your comments! Now, to the task at hand. My brain feels like it has been eaten by some very small, and tenacious, rodents. There are some serious holes happening! So, in honor of this situation I’m not going to ask anything intellectual this week … it would be too taxing … instead I’m going to ask something emotional … last I checked all my feelings were still intact.


I love ice cream, especially milkshakes. To me they are the ultimate comfort food and, with real cream, a true indulgence. Slowly licking a spoon full of ice cream and letting it melt in my mouth makes time drag to a halt. For a moment I am as pampered as a princess.

My Grandpa on my mom’s side used to love ice cream too. In fact, I can remember riding in the back of the car with him.

“Stop!” he shouted as we passed a Baskin Robins sign, “The kids want ice cream!”

I was about to explain that I hadn’t said anything, (what can I say, not too quick on the pick up) but he quickly leaned over and whispered, “Shh, play along and we’ll all get some!”

My parents stopped the car and we were given a couple minutes to run to the store. There were so many flavors, but we quickly chose, “2 large cones and a dish please!” I think our eyes popped out of our heads … my brother and I had never had a cone that big before … it was like someone had handed us a whole container! We started to lick furiously.
“Hurry up!” Grandpa said, “we can’t take it back to the car. And here…”
He pulled out his wallet from his pants pocket and handed us each five dollars. “Don’t tell Grandma I got one too.”

The funny thing is … I pretty sure she knew.



What is your favorite food memory?

Playing With People: Office Space ... The Final Frontier

If you were to walk into any room, how would you know who the leader is? The gleam in their eyes? The fact that they are standing? Their snappy outfit? Not if my university professors had anything to do with it. No, the secret of discovering a leader’s identity is this: we always give leaders their space.

Want to toy with your leader a little? Play with that space. In fact, completely ignore it.

During a meeting sit as close as possible to the leader, move a chair if you have to. You will probably be looking directly up the leader’s nose, it’s a small price to pay. Don’t look down at your papers but enjoy a few minutes of closeness with the one in power. Watch their face intently and only look away to make a few important notes … they will think you are so attentive … a little strange … but eager to climb that corporate ladder!

Sunday Intellectual Discussion: Sans Electricity

Today we were without electricity until the middle of the afternoon ... hard not to go into the shakes! A situation like that makes you sit back and concider what would I do if electrical power was suddenly gone ... forever? Would I survive? I might have to wash everything by hand ... including the dishes! I've watched lots of Survivor so I would probably be great at making a fire though.



What one thing would you be best at if you had no electricity to aid your day?

USELESS ADVICE FROM USELESS MEN

USELESS ADVICE FROM USELESS MEN

I have enjoyed this site from time to time. They are a very funny bunch of guys (and one girl) and the best fun is sending in a question or two for them to answer.Check out answer 365.

Spelling Poem

I found this poem while surfing the web. Whoever came up with this is very clever! If you're out there let me know so I can properly credit you ... and pick your brain.

I halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea see
It illustrates four my bee half
Mist aches eye can naught sea.
Iran this poem threw it
So ewe can plane lee no
Its error free in every weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

Total Body and Skin Care Regimen

We all know that baby’s skin is soft and line free beyond compare. Who wouldn’t want to be young, beautiful and firm again? I have a new foolproof integrated program that combines beauty, health and exercise for a new total you. This regimen, based on the careful observance of babies, is sure to give new vitality and spark to your skin using techniques that are simple to master.

1. To begin your morning thrash your legs swiftly yet firmly down onto the bed several times. To complete this exercise correctly raise your legs in the air until they touch your ears, arch your back and throw your legs down onto the mattress. Finish with a squeal.
2. Prepare your morning cereal, cream of wheat or oatmeal is highly recommended. Smear half the contents of the bowl on your face and leave to sit until crusty. Eat remaining contents with your fingers. Remove with a soft damp cloth. This is a fast way to combine beauty and weight loss programs for those busy mornings. Your skin will be radiant and smooth and your will instantly loose weight.
3. Go to bed.
4. After a refreshing nap, crawl around on the floor. Eat whatever you find there, especially lint and small stickers, these aid in digestion and give your skin that special glow.
5. Stand on top of the tallest object you can find, gently stretch your arms to your side as far as you can until you are standing on your tip toes. Repeat as often as possible. This exercise will not only tone those flabby thighs but will also cause your loved ones to love you more … or at least put you under twenty four hour surveillance.
6. When your dinner is late, cry inconsolably. Throw both hands into the air and scrub your eyes vigorously with both hands. If the meal takes longer than five minutes to arrive escalate into a full bodied scream, clutch and release your fists, scrunch up your face. Think of this as a workout the whole family can enjoy. They will be on their toes, running back and forth and loosing weight. You will keep all the muscles in your face happy and healthy. Win/Win.
7. Drink four large glasses of milk making sure to dribble a small amount down your chin and onto the front of your shirt. This moisturizes the tender skin under your mouth and gives a “youthful look” to your everyday wear.

Follow this routine daily for best results. You will enjoy all the pleasures of youth with my new program. Be sure to send in for the follow up “Life Skills Makeover and Recovery” for the low, low price of only $500 (which can be broken down into bi-monthly payments of $11.95, amortized over the next 25 years.) It also includes a nice designer hand bag and wheelchair seat cover. You’ll need it.


(This study was tested on four children and is deemed to be right at least two out of four times. Unless the moon was full and they were cranky.)

Safety First

I don’t know what is wrong with my body but it appears to be magnetically attracted to furniture. Those of you who are adept at science are right now saying, “Come on, lady, most furniture is made out of wood” Well, my body is made out of flesh but it doesn’t seem to make any difference. Magnetic, I tell you. My husband will attest, he has seen the bruises. He, in fact, was the one who suggested we should put fluffy slippers on all our furniture legs … especially on those crazy rollers under the bed. I think it would look silly. After all, most of the furniture we own would look great in penny loafers.

However, I am considering taking a cue off my children in order to keep my body from disintegrating before I’m 40. With a few simple safety precautions my house will be much more livable. For instance:

Wrapping the pointy ends of all furniture in layers of foam and duck tape. Make sure to mark said duct tape with florescent stickers so that I will not walk into them in the dark.

Wearing a helmet at all times, including, and especially, in the shower. After all, one can never be too safe around that much water.

Slide into my kitchen chair from the top and strap myself in. If I can manage it, buy a snap on table tray to sit in front of me. This way I won’t be able to wack my knees against the table or the chair beside me. It may cause some problems when my kids need more milk, but hey, they have to grow up sometime.

Wear shin guards over my pants. Look into making them more “fashionable” with some crazy fabrics.

Wrap myself in toilet paper so I can simply bounce off any offending object.

Crawl.

These and many other possibilities are being carefully considered to aid me in my daily life. Please, if you have any more suggestions, pass them on, but don’t be surprised if I can’t get back right away. My elbow is magnetically sealed to the coffee table.

Sunday Intellectual Discussion: Best Job

What, in your opinion, would be the best job ever? Why?